One of my most surprisingly effective lessons on revision came from a memoir piece that I shared with my class. The class's assignment was to write a draft on one of the following prompts:
-Write about someone or something that makes you proud
-Think about a time when something scared you
-Think about a time that you taught someone to do something or someone taught you to do something.
-Write about the worst day you've ever had
-Write a composition about a time when you learned a life lesson
We talked about each of the prompts and some students volunteered ideas they had. We then all wrote rough drafts. I chose, Think of a time when something scared you.
The following is my first draft that I shared with students the following day.
When I think back to grade school, D___M___always comes to mind. D___was in my 5th grade class, and his desk was directly behind mine.
D___'s day revolved around making weird noises and torturing me. If I kept my back to him, he used me for a pincushion with the straight pins he kept on his desk. When pins were not available, he just resorted to pulling my hair.
Although I squirmed to avoid his maneuvers and sat as far forward in my desk as possible, for some reason, I did not ever resort to complaining to my teacher about D____. I thought he was someone I just had to endure. Day after day, I tried to avoid his tactics, and it didn't end until D____ took it outside the classroom.
For some reason, I had never encountered him on the walk to or from school. Then, one day as I walked home for lunch, there he was. A chill ran through me as I realized he had been waiting and watching for me. I glanced once in his direction and then walked quickly away, avoiding eye contact, hoping against hope that he wasn't following me, but he was. I ran and he ran, and he was faster. He came from behind and knocked me to the ground. I fell forward on my stomach and he was on my back grabbing my braids.
I don't remember how I got up or got home. Maybe he was just satisfied with making me cry or maybe the feeling of power was enough for him. All I remember is calling my mother at work and telling her I was not ever going back to school. At first she didn't recognize my voice, because I had been crying so hard.
I stayed home that day, and the next day when I left for school, I carried a sealed envelope for my teacher. I didn't know what my mother had written but I do know that D____ did not bother me again.
To my surprise, students were visibly upset after listening to my account. There were many questions, and one boy vowed to go home, look up D____'s name on the internet and try to contact him and extract an apology. Once they settled down, I asked for questions that came to mind after hearing my account. Why didn't I tell my teacher? What was in the note I carried? What did mymom say?
This gave me food for thought as I revised. We were working on beginnings and endings, so after answering their general questions, I asked them what I could have done to strengthen my beginning? We discussed adding some sort of conversation. Finally, I had students exchange papers with a partner and practice the same kind of questioning with each other. Finally, we all revised - not rewriting but adding in the margins, additional information. This allowed for further revision and material for final drafts.
I took some of their suggestions and wrote two new beginnings:
"Stop it!" I whispered trying to avoid getting caught talking in class. It was the second time that D______ had poked a pin through the back of my thin cotton dress and scratched me. D____'s desk was directly behind mine, and as I squirmed to avoid his grimy pin-gripping fingers, I had no way of knowing that this would turn out to be one of the worst days of my 5th grade life.
And another...
When I think back to grade school and remember scary things I'd rather forget, D____ always comes to mind. D_____ was in my 5th grade class, and his desk was directly behind mine. I never paid much attention to him until one day my teacher moved me into the vacant desk in front of him.
The next day, we discussed the three beginnings that I had written, looking at the pros and cons of each. Students then did the same with their partners. Each writer listened and chose the revisions they wanted in their final draft. Finally, we moved to editing - which we will discuss in future blog posts.
The important takeaway is that it's difficult for students to revise without specific examples - It's helpful to use your own writing to help walk them through the process. Finally, focusing on beginnings and endings is a good place to start to focus students on specific areas of their text in learning the process and purpose of revision.
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